Transylvanian Ephemera
Posted on | July 28, 2010 | No Comments
Man with wild beard enters shop.
Man with wild beard: There was a book in the window yesterday on Transylvanian Ephemera. Has it sold?
Emily: If it’s not in the window now, I’m afraid it probably has.
Man with wild beard: (Frantically) It’s not in the window?
Emily: I thought you couldn’t see it in the window.
Man with wild beard: I haven’t looked.
Exit Emily.
Pause.
Enter Emily
Emily: It’s still in the window.
Man with wild beard: Ah, good.
Books to Gold
Posted on | July 11, 2010 | No Comments
Small Italian girl: Excuse me, a friend tell me one time there is a shop on this street where you can change books to gold.
Emily: Um ….you mean swap books? For money?
Small Italian girl: Yes, swap books.
Zoë: There’s a place in Soho where you can swap books for other books.
Small Italian girl: Yes, swap books for other books. Where is that please?
Shut Up, Peggy
Posted on | July 1, 2010 | No Comments
American man in sun visor: Help, help, help, help, help.
Emily: Hi.
American man in sun visor: I’m looking for a book.
Zoë: OK, which one?
American man in sun visor: The Memoirs of Field Marshall Kesselring
Zoë: I’ll just have a look on the catalogue for you. How do you spell that?
American man in sun visor: K – E – S – S – L – R – I – N – G.
Zoë: Nothing’s coming up…
Enter blonde woman with map.
Blonde woman with map: (Loudly) He’s missed out the E.
American man in sun visor: I have not.
Blonde woman with map: You always do.
American man in sun visor: I do not. K – E – S – S – L – R – I – N – G.
Blonde woman with map: There’s another E in there! K – E – S – S – E – L – R – I – N – G.
American man in sun visor: I said that. K – E – S – S – L –
Blonde woman with map: There!
American man in sun visor: Shut up, Peggy.
You can learn something
Posted on | June 25, 2010 | No Comments
Weighty man: Can I see that book in the window called Male Oral Love?
Walter: Sure. (Gets out book.)
Weighty man: I’m not a homosexual.
Emily: No?
Weighty man: It just looks fascinating.
Walter: Yes.
Weighty man: You can learn something from anything, can’t you?
Emily: You can.
Gay Sadist
Posted on | June 22, 2010 | No Comments
Man in shorts: If you want to buy a book, this is the place to come.
Wide blonde woman: I do want a book. Where’s H?
Man in shorts: Bloody hell. In between G and I.
Wide blonde woman: I want Georgette Heyer.
Man in shorts: Well she’s here.
Wide blonde woman: Got that one. Got that one. Got that one.
Man in shorts: Bloody hell.
Wide blonde woman: What’s this?
Squat man in shorts: That’s not fiction.
Wide blonde woman: Gay Sadist.
Mann in shorts: Bloody hell.
Wide blonde woman: I’ve never seen anything like this.
Man in shorts: Has it got pictures?
Wide blonde woman: No.
Man in shorts: Bloody hell.
Jersey
Posted on | June 20, 2010 | No Comments
Jan: Yes, it’s here.
Emily: Wasn’t Jersey … what’s the word?
Jan: Bergerac?
Emily: Occupied.
Boys In Jail
Posted on | June 19, 2010 | No Comments
Muscular man with tattoos: Could I have a look at the book ‘Dens of Depravity, Boys In Jail’ that you’ve got in the window?
Zoe: Sure. (Gets book out of window)
Muscular man with tattoos: Thanks. (Flicks through book)
Zoe: We’ve got quite a lot more of that kind of erotica downstairs, if you’re interested.
Muscular man with tattoos: Er, no thanks. (Hands back book) I thought it was about prisons.
Stains
Posted on | June 17, 2010 | No Comments
Emily: Find anything of interest?
Shabby man in rumpled suit: (Handing over book) Yes, this. “How To Remove Stains”.
Emily: Two pounds, please.
Shabby man in rumpled suit: Thought it might come in useful.
Emily: Yes.
Fish Knives
Posted on | April 9, 2010 | No Comments
Man with glassy eyes: Do you have any Saki?
Emily: Possibly. Are you looking for a particular book?
Man with glassy eyes: I’m looking for the edition with the biography by his sister. They were brought up by the maiden aunt type. Hearts you could use as domestic freezers.
Emily: You could try the literature section downstairs, there might be something there.
Man with glassy eyes: This is a special shop, isn’t it? The books are special.
Emily: I suppose so, yes.
Man with glassy eyes: These books have learned to use fish knives and forks, see what I mean?
Emily: I see what you mean.
Demon
Posted on | April 4, 2010 | No Comments
Man in glasses: This is my hat.
Emily: Is it? We wondered who left it.
Man in glasses: I’d know it anywhere.
Emily: That’s fine, you can take it.
Man in glasses: They can get you into trouble, hats.
Emily: Oh yes?
Man in glasses: You don’t get into clubs wearing them.
Emily: No?
Man in glasses: But I shouldn’t get angry about it. My rage is devastating.
Emily: Oh dear.
Man in glasses: It’s like I’m possessed. Do you want to see?
Emily: Well…
Man in glasses: (Screaming) GRRRRRR! ARRRRRRGH! RAAAAGH!
Zoë: Shall I start putting your books through the till?
Man in glasses: It’s a demon, but I know its name, so I can control it.
Zoë: That’s thirteen pounds please.
Man in glasses: (Hands over cash) And I’m gone. (Runs out of shop and across street.)
"In a town like London there are always plenty of not quite certifiable lunatics walking the streets, and they tend to gravitate towards bookshops, because a bookshop is one of the few places where you can hang about for a long time without spending any money."
George Orwell
Subscribe
Subscribe to Small Plays.
Twitter Theatre
- Oops, no Twitter...