Hares

Miniature old lady: You have a book on hares in the window. Emily: We do – I’ll get it for you. Miniature old lady: I’m so happy. Hares are really my thing. Emily: It’s a nice book. Miniature old lady: Last time I was here I bought two books on badgers. Emily: Yes, I remember. Miniature old lady: [...]

Cows

Man with strong New Zealand accent: Do you have any cow books? Emily: Sorry? Man with strong New Zealand accent: Old cow books? Emily: You mean … like the animal? Wife with stronger accent: (loudly) Books about COWS. Emily: I… Man with strong New Zealand accent: Cows. Austin cows and Ford cows. Motor cows. Emily: Oh! There’s [...]

Syria

SCENE 1: THE TILL DESK. NEIL IS READING A BOOK ON WAR. EMILY IS STARING INTO SPACE. ENTER TANNED MAN. Tanned man: Excuse me, do you you have any books on Syria? Neil: Possibly, there’s a section on the Middle East downstairs. Curtain. SCENE 2: SOME TIME LATER. THE TOILET DOWNSTAIRS. EMILY IS ENGAGED. FX: [...]

Kempt

Cadaverous regular customer: Got any ideas about ambulances? Emily: Ambulances? Cadaverous regular customer: Where’s that one from then? Emily: I’m not sure. Cadaverous regular customer: Ambulare. Latin. To walk. Because they used to walk to hospital. Emily: Ah, of course. Cadaverous regular customer: And what about kempt? Emily: Kent? Cadaverous regular customer: Kempt. It’s from [...]

Trousers

Emily: That’s forty five pounds, please. Croaky-voiced man: Do you mind if I lift my shirt up? Emily: Well… Croaky-voiced man: I’ve got a money belt on. I wear it for security these days. Emily: It’s a good idea. Croaky-voiced man:I was trying a coat on once, and I walked off to see how it [...]

Cough

Girl with ponytail: Do you have books on Africa? (Coughs) Excuse me. Emily: Yes, we have… Girl with ponytail: (Coughs) Sorry. Emily: …a section … Girl with ponytail: It’s the dust. (Coughs) Emily: A section here. Girl with ponytail: No, I mean books on (coughs) teak tables. Emily: Pardon? Girl with ponytail: (Coughs) Tea table [...]

Transylvanian Ephemera

Man with wild beard enters shop. Man with wild beard: There was a book in the window yesterday on Transylvanian Ephemera. Has it sold? Emily: If it’s not in the window now, I’m afraid it probably has. Man with wild beard: (Frantically) It’s not in the window? Emily: I thought you couldn’t see it in [...]

Books to Gold

Small Italian girl: Excuse me, a friend tell me one time there is a shop on this street where you can change books to gold. Emily: Um ….you mean swap books? For money? Small Italian girl: Yes, swap books. Zoë: There’s a place in Soho where you can swap books for other books. Small Italian [...]

Shut Up, Peggy

American man in sun visor: Help, help, help, help, help. Emily: Hi. American man in sun visor: I’m looking for a book. Zoë: OK, which one? American man in sun visor: The Memoirs of Field Marshall Kesselring Zoë: I’ll just have a look on the catalogue for you. How do you spell that? American man [...]

You can learn something

Weighty man: Can I see that book in the window called Male Oral Love? Walter: Sure. (Gets out book.) Weighty man: I’m not a homosexual. Emily: No? Weighty man: It just looks fascinating. Walter: Yes. Weighty man: You can learn something from anything, can’t you? Emily: You can.

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