The Thief

Quivering old man: Excuse me? Emily: Hello, can I help? Quivering old man: I’ve come down from Manchester, where I have the misfortune of living next door to a thief. Emily: I see. Quivering old man: I owned a book once called The Handbook. It was about Malaya. A Handbook of Malaya. Something of a [...]

Illuminati

Man in baseball cap: (Pointing at security screen) Is that screen flickering when I walk? Emily: It does flicker a bit, yes. Man in baseball cap: When I walk, yeah? Fuck. Being watched. Fucking Illuminati.

Door

Man entering shop: Oh! It’s just antiquated. (Exit)

Enquiry

Japanese girl: Do you have the book called Hippy? Emily: Called what sorry? Japanese girl: Hippy Emily: I don’t recognise the title – what kind of book is it? Japanese girl: It’s about this big, and quite thick.

Secret Book

Man with book in a plastic sleeve: Could someone value this book for me? Jan: We don’t value books here. Our book buyer works by appointment only. Man with book: But can you just look at it? It’s something a bit special. Jan: The best thing is to phone the book buyer and describe it. [...]

Flew Round A Field For Us

Chatty man: The author’s signature would increase the value of a book, I suppose? Emily: It depends on the author really. Chatty man: I’ve got one signed by Ken Wallis. (Emily looks blank.) Chatty man: James Bond! Little Nellie! Invented the gyrocoptor. Ninety three. Amazing man. Went to see him. Flew round a field for [...]

Dark Pop-Up

Girl with overpowering glasses: Do you have any pop-up books? Emily: Pop-up books for children? Girl with overpowering glasses: Maybe, yes, but something a bit dark? A bit gothic? Emily: Ah, well the only pop-up book we have at the moment is an engineering book with moving diagrams of electro-magnetic motors. Girl with overpowering glasses: [...]

Job Enquiry

Emily: Hi, can I help? Girl: Hi, yes, I was wondering, do you have a job available, by accident?

The Sea Life

Customer: Do you have a maritime section? Not that you can learn it from books. Not about life at sea you can’t. You’ve got to live the sea life. You’ve got to live it to know it. And did I live it? Boy, did I. Phew. Emily: In the next roon on the left.

Woofters

Customer in kagoul and glasses: And another thing. Hilter? Woofter. Göring? Woofter. Himmler? Woofter. Decadent, the lot of them. All that stuff about the Fatherland? Woofters. Neil: Goebbels was a red-blooded male, wasn’t he? Customer in kagoul and glasses: Hoooo, no. Woofter. Neil: So how were they planning to populate the master race? Customer in [...]

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