Gay Sadist

Posted on | June 22, 2010 | 1 Comment

Man in shorts: If you want to buy a book, this is the place to come.
Wide blonde woman: I do want a book. Where’s H?
Man in shorts: Bloody hell. In between G and I.
Wide blonde woman: I want Georgette Heyer.
Man in shorts: Well she’s here.
Wide blonde woman: Got that one. Got that one. Got that one.
Man in shorts: Bloody hell.
Wide blonde woman: What’s this?
Squat man in shorts: That’s not fiction.
Wide blonde woman: Gay Sadist.
Mann in shorts: Bloody hell.
Wide blonde woman: I’ve never seen anything like this.
Man in shorts: Has it got pictures?
Wide blonde woman: No.
Man in shorts: Bloody hell.

Category: Plays

Jersey

Posted on | June 20, 2010 | No Comments

Emily: Have you seen a hardback called ‘Old Jersey Houses’.
Jan: Yes, it’s here.
Emily: Wasn’t Jersey … what’s the word?
Jan: Bergerac?
Emily: Occupied.

Category: Plays

Boys In Jail

Posted on | June 19, 2010 | No Comments

Muscular man with tattoos: Could I have a look at the book ‘Dens of Depravity, Boys In Jail’ that you’ve got in the window?
Zoe: Sure. (Gets book out of window)
Muscular man with tattoos: Thanks. (Flicks through book)
Zoe: We’ve got quite a lot more of that kind of erotica downstairs, if you’re interested.
Muscular man with tattoos: Er, no thanks. (Hands back book) I thought it was about prisons.

Category: Plays

Stains

Posted on | June 17, 2010 | No Comments

Emily: Find anything of interest?
Shabby man in rumpled suit: (Handing over book) Yes, this. “How To Remove Stains”.
Emily: Two pounds, please.
Shabby man in rumpled suit: Thought it might come in useful.
Emily: Yes.

Category: Plays

Fish Knives

Posted on | April 9, 2010 | No Comments

Man with glassy eyes: Do you have any Saki?
Emily: Possibly. Are you looking for a particular book?
Man with glassy eyes: I’m looking for the edition with the biography by his sister. They were brought up by the maiden aunt type. Hearts you could use as domestic freezers.
Emily: You could try the literature section downstairs, there might be something there.
Man with glassy eyes: This is a special shop, isn’t it? The books are special.
Emily: I suppose so, yes.
Man with glassy eyes: These books have learned to use fish knives and forks, see what I mean?
Emily: I see what you mean.

Category: Plays

Demon

Posted on | April 4, 2010 | No Comments

Man in glasses: This is my hat.
Emily: Is it? We wondered who left it.
Man in glasses: I’d know it anywhere.
Emily: That’s fine, you can take it.
Man in glasses: They can get you into trouble, hats.
Emily: Oh yes?
Man in glasses: You don’t get into clubs wearing them.
Emily: No?
Man in glasses: But I shouldn’t get angry about it. My rage is devastating.
Emily: Oh dear.
Man in glasses: It’s like I’m possessed. Do you want to see?
Emily: Well…
Man in glasses: (Screaming) GRRRRRR! ARRRRRRGH! RAAAAGH!
Zoë: Shall I start putting your books through the till?
Man in glasses: It’s a demon, but I know its name, so I can control it.
Zoë: That’s thirteen pounds please.
Man in glasses: (Hands over cash) And I’m gone. (Runs out of shop and across street.)

Category: Plays

Rokeham

Posted on | March 14, 2010 | No Comments

Tiny white-haired wizened Indian man: You have Rokeham?
Emily: I’m sorry, what was that?
Tiny white-haired wizened Indian man: Rokeham? You have?
Emily: Rokeham?
Tiny white-haired wizened Indian man: No, Rokeham.
Emily: I’m sorry, I don’t recognise the name, what kind of subject is that?
Tiny white-haired wizened Indian man: Rokeham.
Emily:(Handing tiny white-haired wizened Indian man a pen and paper) Could you write it down, perhaps?
( Tiny white-haired wizened Indian man writes intently.)
Emily: Pokémon?
Tiny white-haired wizened Indian man: Yes.

Category: Plays

Do you sell books?

Posted on | March 13, 2010 | No Comments

Man on phone: Do you have any books about the Coronation of Queen Elizabeth?
Emily:No I’m afraid not, at the moment.
Man on phone: Do you have the book 84 Charing Cross Road?
Emily: No, we don’t have that either, sorry.
Man on phone: Do you sell books?
Emily: Yes. Just not those two.

Category: Plays

Pulped

Posted on | March 2, 2010 | No Comments

Sprightly elderly chap: You want to watch out. I’m 85 and I’ve got thirteen thousand books.
Emily: That’s quite a collection.
Sprightly elderly chap: Only read half of them.
Emily: It’s good to have something waiting on the shelf.
Sprightly elderly chap: Do you know, I was in a bookshop in Norwich in 1941 and a girl came up to me with a pile of books, she said “please help me. Oh, please help me.” I said, “What is it?” She said, “These books are going to be pulped, they’re going for the war effort. They’re six pounds each. Please help me save them.” I said, “well, I only get paid three pounds a week, and what am I supposed to do, take them back to barracks?” And I left.
Emily: Oh yes?
Sprightly elderly chap: Do you know what they were? Piranesi. The complete works. Colour plates, everything.
Emily: Sounds lovely.
Sprightly elderly chap: I’ll say. Know what they’re worth now? A million, easy. I could have had them for six quid.

Category: Plays

Ukulele

Posted on | February 26, 2010 | No Comments

Man with colourful scarf: Hi!
Emily: Hi.
Man with colourful scarf: Oh I think I’m in the wrong shop.
Emily: Yes?
Man with colourful scarf: Do you sell ukuleles?
Emily: No. We’re a bookshop.
Man with colourful scarf: Where’s the shop that sells ukuleles?
Emily: The ukulele shop is up the road that way.